Spam, and the English Language
I like to think of myself as somewhat of an internationalist. Having worked in the travel industry and consulted for airlines, cruise lines, and resort chains, I’ve gotten around the “block” a few times. These experiences greatly widened my word view form that of a little boy growing up on a mountain in Tennessee. (BTW, as an adult I moved back to that same mountain in Tennessee and am loving every minute of it.)
One of the things that living and working abroad taught me was that most of the word does not speak English. Now don’t get me wrong, English is a widely spoken language, and you can argue that it is the defaco language of businesses, but on the streets in Munich, Mexico City, or Tokyo, they are NOT speaking English. So when I’ve been to places were English is not the native language I’ve made a great effort to learn enough of local dialect to make myself understood, and believe me when I happen across someone who does speak English I am most grateful for their help, no matter how broken his or her speech is.
However in business, if you are going to conduct commerce with another countries citizens it always does you well to either learn/speak the language or hire people who do so because knowing a person’s native language is always an endearing quality.
Now enter the Spam. Spam of course is unsolicited or unwanted email marketing and is the bane of the inter-webs. Once upon a time spam actually was sort of pseudo professional, not having to shell out tens of thousands of dollars in direct mail costs, companies could go the extra mile in the design and crafting of their marketing materials. Not anymore.
Now I get spam with all manner of odd ball language, it would seem now that not only is English NOT the first language of the spammers, it appears that they crafted there marketing messages by stringing together phrases from a pocket English guide or a pirated pornographic movie. In fact the messages are SO bad now, I’ve started reading them. This is not because I would ever refinance my house because of an e-mail, or by pharmaceuticals via e-mail to treat ED, it is because they are now just that funny. Here are some except from my mail today that made me chuckle:
“Zillion men all over world use cure” – What is a “Zillion Man”?
“Make your boyfriennd a gift!” – Just make sure to poke holes in the wrapping so he can breathe.
“V1agra c1al1s rock bottom” – Well, duh, isn’t that the point?
“everyone is our herbal program” – Sort of like Solent Green?
“Use free pills to your woman” – Here, well call that a Ruffy.
“Top qulity swiss repl1Ca modles” – But not top “qulity” spell check.
“Invest in hottest chicks in town” – Because attractive woman always make for good venture capital opportunities.
“we free 12 pills with order” – Free Tibet first, then we’ll talk about freeing those oppressed pills.
“15% discount now available on store” – I guess it is a down real estate market.
“Unleash your animal on the unsuspecting ladies” – Yes, I have a pet Zebra that I use to attack women.
“Guaranteed growth of 3-6 foots” – Can you run faster with 3 to 6 extra feet?
“Great branded for you” – OUCH!!
“Fire and Ice In Your Pants” – No comment I make would make this any funnier.
“Land Dream Chick Here” – Unless you can’t get clearance from the tower, then fly to another airport.
“She exploded herself to me” – And left a terrible mess.
This was all from a single day of Spam. I know that some Spam uses obfuscation like “V1agra” to get around keyword filtering for “Viagra”. But perhaps we can work on a new system that scans for poor grammar in e-mail. This way we can weed out the spam AND punish inept writers like myself.
